Marriage is…laughing together, crying together, grieving together, celebrating together, working together, growing up together, sometimes growing apart, fighting, hurting, rejecting, accepting, betraying, forgiving and being forgiven (70x70x70), loyalty, doubting, trusting, believing in someone you know will let you down, agreeing, disagreeing, taking, giving, standing by someone even when you dislike them, communicating, not communicating, security, insecurity, feeling love, feeling hate, feeling nothing at all, knowing there is one person in the world who truly knows who you are and loves you anyway, being one and yet separate, the hardest human relationship in the world and yet the most worthwhile… commitment.
When I Grow Up
A friend of mine wrote a blog about her children’s aspirations for when they grow up, to which she added her own goals. Some of us never do grow up. Many more of us might just get there near the end of our lives. A rare few attain a great depth of maturity in their later years, inspiring awe in the rest of us. I would like to be in the last camp, but for now, I know I am not so grown up yet, and I was inspired to do a little dreaming of my own.
When I grow up, I hope to discover the secret to a genuinely close relationship with my Savior and the faith never to doubt His love. I want to know what it means to be able to rely fully on God throughout each day with a calm spirit, rather than being tossed around by life’s storms.
I’d like to be a blessing, not a burden, to others; most of all, to my family. I want to play with my grandchildren. I intend to be a friend to my children. I plan to have fun with my husband, traveling and exploring the world together. I would like to spend more time enjoying nature. I want to dance until dawn.
While I’m very blessed to be able to call some of the most special women on earth my friends, I would enjoy having a girlfriend living close enough to me to go shopping with, invite for coffee, and with whom I can pour out my heart face to face more often than once or twice a year.
I want to read, read, read, and never stop learning. I’d love to have my own art studio, and paint and draw to my heart’s content. I want to explore my love of alternative healthcare and use my knowledge to help others.
I’ve always dreamed of being a support to pregnant women, physically and emotionally. The opportunity to be part of the fascinating world of pregnancy and childbirth in some capacity would be an incredible opportunity.
I plan to take many pictures and create scrapbooks to preserve precious memories. Also, while I’ve been teaching my children for years and am a little burned out from it, I’m a teacher at heart so I know that, in some capacity, I must continue to teach.
I hope to be brave enough to take risks and try new things. I plan to eat, drink and be merry! Most of all, I intend to make the best of what life brings me, treasuring the blessings, accepting the challenges, growing from the heartaches.
I have a lot to look forward to when I “grow up”. Of course, I don’t know if I ever will grow up completely. I suppose fulfilling some of these goals would be part of that process. It’s a big list, so I should probably get started right away.
Finding Me Again
Last week, for the first time in twenty-five years, I attended a drawing class at the local community college. I’ve always called myself an artist, but, since I began having children over twenty years ago, I’ve used my talent very rarely. So, this was long overdue.
Everyone was excited for me, but as the time for the first class approached, I became increasingly nervous. What if I’m no good? What if I don’t have everything I need? What if I don’t have what it takes? Do I really want to walk into a classroom full of strangers feeling like the “new girl” all over again?
I suppose some of us never get over our apprehension of the first day at a new school. Our family moved a lot when I was growing up, so I had many of those experiences as a kid and some of those memories are a little traumatic. But I digress.
I signed up for this class to do something fun for me and I should have been looking forward to it. This is silly, I chided myself. I’m a grown, confident (?) woman and I have overcome far greater challenges than this.
“Just relax and enjoy it,” my husband said.
The real root of my problem, however, is that at this point in my life, I just want too badly to accomplish something to be proud of. So instead of just enjoying, I put pressure on myself and worried about the dreaded “f” word (not that word; the worse “f” word) – failure!
The hardest part of the class was walking in that room for the first time. The teacher had started a dialogue before beginning the class to warm things up, and I came in as students were answering her question.
As I found a seat, she turned to me for my answer. “What is the question?” I asked, feeling put on the spot and wanting to hide somewhere. So much for discreetly slipping in.
She explained that she was interested in our reasons for taking the class. Ok, that’s an easy one. “After years of raising kids, I’m trying to find ‘Kim’ again,” I replied.
After that, the class went pretty well. I liked the teacher and felt I could handle her assignments…until we started drawing a still life. Hey, let’s go back to those easy worksheets where you tell me what to do step by step, I silently shouted. I hate still-lifes!
At one point, I considered throwing my pencil down and walking out. I was so discouraged with my work. Still I persevered, and when she told us to walk around and look at everyone else’s work, I was greatly encourage to see that mine was just as good as any.
I know it doesn’t matter how good my drawings are. I don’t have to succeed. In fact, haven’t I already learned that success feeds my pride and keeps me from depending on God? (Well, I do tend to have to keep revisiting the same lessons). What matters is that I took my first step in rediscovering myself and exploring the gifts God has given me that I may use in this new season of my life.
The season of intense mothering is coming to an end for me and, while I might have given up a little too much of myself, I don’t regret that I gave my best to my family. I’m sure there will be some scary steps as I timidly reach out into the world again, but it’s actually kind of exciting to see what God has in store for me.
Dear Amelia
To my daughter’s friend, who just brought her first child into the world:
Dear Amelia,
Congratulations! Welcome to the world of motherhood, the most rewarding, difficult and important job you will ever have. This is a joyful time in your life but also I know it can be intimidating to think of the responsibility you have just been given.
You want to be the best mother you can, but they come with no instruction manuals. So, for what it’s worth, I would like to share with you what I believe are the most important lessons that I have learned in 20 years of mothering – from my heart to yours. While I know that you must make your own way as a mother, I hope you can benefit, even if just a little, from my experience.
First of all, do not make the mistake of believing, as I once did, that God has handed you a bundle of clay with which you can create the person you choose. Your little boy is a unique creation of God and you do not have the power to change who he is. It is instead your job to love, nurture, protect and, most importantly, accept that special personality.
I have learned that I am not in control, much as I would like to be, of my children’s lives or anything else for that matter. Therefore, the greatest weapon I have in defense of my children is prayer. Of course, you will want to pray for God’s blessing and protection on his life, but my favorite prayer for my children is that God will reveal Himself to them and that His will may be done in their lives.
Since God knows so much better than me what they really need, I would rather trust Him with the answers than ask Him to apply mine. It is my sincerest hope that my children will come to truly trust in God’s unconditional, unfailing love at a much younger age than I have. That is my prayer for you, too, as I honestly believe this is the only way to find true peace and strength to deal with life’s rough seas.
There is an endless list of responsibilities as a mother – feeding, clothing, protecting, teaching, disciplining, etc. It can be an overwhelming burden at times, wanting to be and do everything for them. However, when it really comes down to it, what children need most is love and acceptance. Love covers a multitude of sins.
While I have and will continue to make many mistakes as a mother, for my children to know that they are loved by me and that I will always be there for them is the greatest gift I can give them. If they are sure of my love, I believe that I have succeeded as a mother.
Last, but not least, while I am sure you want to give your “all” to your child, it is important not to lose “Amelia” in the role of “Mom”. Take time for yourself and your interests. Do not lose sight of who you are and do not feel guilty to take care of your needs.
They say you can be a much better mother if you take care of yourself and it is true. I did not listen to this wise advice and now, after 20 years, I am trying to find myself again, whom I gave up totally in my role as wife and mother. It not only hurt me, but my family suffered for it as well. Do not make the mistake I made. You family is important, but you do matter, too.
They say your children step on your toes when they are young and on your heart when they grow older. While there is a great deal of truth to this, there is no need to fear it. It is through the challenges and heartaches of mothering that God can do the greatest work in our lives. I am so grateful for how God has used the humbling experience of raising my children to transform my life and heal my heart. And I would not trade it for anything.
You will make mistakes. Every mother does. Trust God to guide you through each day and He will give you what you need when you need it. Be the best mother you can be, but forgive yourself for your regrets.
Trust the amazing motherly instincts God has given you. They will not often fail you. No one knows what is best for your child better than you do. I know you will be a wonderful mother because you will love your child with all your heart and there is no more powerful love than mother love.
In The Name Of Christ
“Jesus replied, ‘He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her’.” – John 8:7
I saw a bumper sticker today that said, “Jesus, protect me from your followers”. There was a time when a statement like that might have offended me. After all, I consider myself one of Jesus’ followers. Nevertheless, I was not offended.
I appreciated the ironic humor and, at the same time, recognized the sad reality in it. More importantly, I found myself sympathizing with the sentiment. How very much damage has been done in the name of Christ.
It grieves me to think of the damage I have done in the name of Christ, especially in my haughty youth when I believed that I had all the answers. How many people did I unwittingly hurt or turn off by my self-righteous, judgmental attitude? How did I ever dare to think that I represented Jesus when I have been so full of me?
Jesus did not judge; He loved. In my earnest desire to lead people to Christ, I wonder how many I have actually put off. People were drawn to Christ when He lived here on earth. If we represent Him, then we too would naturally draw people to Him. It seems to me like the church has done more of the opposite; we have done much to give God a bad name to the world around us and I am afraid that many people share the sentiments expressed on that bumper sticker.
Though my pride is still much too large, I appreciate the ways in which God has humbled me. Had I been successful in all the endeavors of my life, I would never have come to see the importance of God’s grace. I would have continued in my pursuit of perfection in my strength (with “God’s help”), taking pride in and credit for all my accomplishments.
Most of us see failure as a negative. My perspective on that has changed. Failure has brought me to my knees, and therefore, it is a gift. Failure has also left me less apt to judge others and more compassionate about their weaknesses. Strange as it may sound, I feel blessed that I was not able to achieve my goal of the perfect Christian wife and mother, because I have discovered something so much better.
Since reducing my involvement in organized religion years ago, I have experienced a great deal of judgment and rejection from fellow believers. It was very painful at first, but I deserved it. I was reaping what I have sown because I have judged others in the same way. I see now that, instead of judgment, instead of shunning, what we really need to offer is the unconditional love of Christ.
“Freely you have received; freely give” (Matthew 10:8).
This, too, has been a humbling lesson for which I am so grateful. It has given me the ability to empathize with people such as this one with the bumper sticker. It has also caused me to want to put down my stones and just love my “neighbor”.
“Now then, who are you to judge your brother or sister?” (Romans 14:10). “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged” (Matthew 7:2).
We are all in need of grace. My prayer is that when the owner of that bumper sticker meets me, he will find nothing to fear, but simply see Jesus.
My Grace is Sufficient
“To keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ “ – 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
I’ve been asking God to heal me from PMS, but, so far, He has not chosen to do so. He does, however, seem to be answering my prayers to keep the monster at bay. By His power, with much prayer, I’ve been overcoming my battles with issues such a depression, anger, critical thoughts, and self-pity.
This past week, though, I’ve felt very blah. I have no energy or motivation. I don’t want to talk with anyone or do anything. I’d like to just go back to bed and stay there all day. Nonetheless, I cannot. I’m a mom. There are no vacation days or sick days from motherhood. I will have to stumble through and hope I can keep my big mouth shut. Only by His grace.
The thought of continuing to spend my life in this monthly struggle is discouraging to me. It’s like a cloud that returns repeatedly to hover, taking all the sunshine out of life and turning my world from vibrant colors to grays. I suppose it would be unrealistic of me to think that life can always be blue skies. Yet, even in the midst of it, God continues to teach me.
I don’t want to make the mistake I’ve made so many times of thinking that God does not walk with me through the tough times. Therefore, I’m making a choice to believe He is with me, carrying me, and working all things out for my good, even PMS.
Paul talked about the thorn in his life that was there to keep him from becoming conceited. Though he pleaded with God to take it away, His answer was “My grace is sufficient for you”. PMS seems to be my thorn. In spite of the many ways in which God has humbled and convicted me, I can see how very easily I could become proud and take the credit for what He has done in me. So maybe I need a thorn. His grace IS sufficient for me.
As in all things, God’s way is superior. So I submit. Let Your will, not mine, be done, Lord. Even through PMS, I find relief in this letting go. I’m so tired of squirming and resisting, and it feels good just to accept and let God worry about it.