As little girls, we have this need for validation, and naturally, many of us first look for it from our fathers. We want to know if we are special, beautiful, lovable. For many of us, the answer we get is “No, you are not that beautiful or special. You are not quite good enough. You are not worth the effort.”
We then spend the rest of our lives trying to find that validation somewhere else; trying to find a “yes” to our questions. The message that we often get as women from the men in our lives is that we are not enough, or maybe, even worse, that we are too much.
I believe that God placed this longing in our hearts to be cherished, romanced, worthy of pursuing and fighting for. Yet those desires and the reality of our lives are often far apart, resulting in a sense of inadequacy, shame and frustration. If only we were “enough” or not “too much”, we could be loved the way we long to be. So we spend our lives laboring to be whatever it is that makes us lovable and worthy to others, instead of being free to be the women God created us to be.
Deep down, we fear there is something terribly wrong with us; we can never measure up. Many of us just plain give up and close down our hearts when the wounds become too many. It is safer to guard our hearts, to hide and shut everyone out. Maybe if they see who I really am, they will find me to be a great disappointment.
As I recognized this reality in my own life, I began to hear God calling to me, “I’ve been listening to your heart, Kim. I know your pain, your longings. You are not going crazy; you are not weird. You are just exactly how I made you. You are not alone. I am here. I understand your heart and I love it. You are beautiful; you are worth pursuing; you are worth fighting for…to Me.”
This past week of tears have left my eyes swollen and red, but they were good tears, healing tears. I could feel the very deepest wounds in my heart beginning to heal. Could it be true that God really loves me? That I am beautiful to God? I think, maybe, for the first time in my life, I am beginning to believe that.