“We know that no one is made right with God by obeying the law. It is by believing in Jesus Christ.” Galatians 2:16.
I was cleaning out my nightstand the other day, and I came across a number of articles and books with sections that I had highlighted as well as some of my old journals. While reading them, I was surprised to see many of the same ideas that have just lately been an integral part of recent revelations in my spiritual journey.
I thought, “I’ve been here before. Why did it not stick then? What was missing that caused me to continue wandering around in the dark for these past 8 years? What was I thinking then?” Since I did not have enough journaling from those times to know what I was thinking, I do not have the answers to those questions.
That frustration motivated me to start writing down my story – for myself, to encourage me in the times of doubting and darkness, and for those that love me, so they can share my experience with me. So that is how this blog began. That is when I began to see the light at the end of my long, dark tunnel.
I have been reading a book recently in which the author encourages Christians to depend on Christ rather than on their works and the approval of one another. That message resonated with me. I have found that this performance type of thinking tends to feed my perfectionist tendencies, which encourages me to try to earn God’s approval. Having battled with this mentality for years, I have certainly learned that working to get approval from God or humans does not result in the fulfilling life that I crave.
So I understand that this does not work, but I have no idea how to achieve what I do want in my life. On the other hand, if it is not mine to achieve, will God ever accomplish it? Is this hope of intimacy with God just a pipedream? Could I ever experience the peace and joy that so many Christians speak of but so few actually seem to have? Will I just wander around in the “desert” for the rest of my life searching for this silent, evasive God – searching for meaning? I was left with more questions than answers, but that was just the beginning.