Although I concede that God is love, my feelings sometimes tell me otherwise. My feelings have convinced me at times that God is not there for me, that God will not hear me, that He will judge me and I’ll be found unacceptable, and that He may even kill someone I love to get my attention.
As I’ve said, we tend to view God from the perspective of our parental relationships which are inevitably flawed. This is why it’s been so hard for me to trust God. Yet my emotions sometimes deceive me, because God’s love is not like human love.
Since, for years, I’ve been in a conflict between what I believe and what I feel about God, I’ve found it much easier to run to my idols for comfort than to my God. Even though I know that my father loved me and did his best, sometimes when I was young and ran to him, I didn’t get the loving response that I needed. As a result, my gut reaction has not been to run to God. He might let me down as well.
Some idols are obviously harmful, like drugs; others seem harmless or acceptable like food, shopping, TV. The most dangerous to me are the ones that are respected and admired; the ones that we can use to make us feel worthy and valuable, which can even include Christian ministry. I’ve been guilty of using that to feel better about myself.
God showed me that some of the most innocent things I was doing had become my idols. Isn’t reading a good thing? Yet I ran to my books for comfort when I was hurting rather than running to God. Anything can be an idol. It’s a matter of where my heart is.
Fortunately, because God wants me to run to Him, He wouldn’t let my idols satisfy me. He wanted me to conclude that only He can fulfill me. God alone is worthy of my complete devotion.
So I gave God my idols and He took them. It doesn’t mean I won’t ever be tempted to try to take them back. Still I can see now that I don’t need them anymore.
I don’t have to be confused by my emotions anymore. All I have to do is open the door to my heart and let God in. I can count on God because His love is not weak and flawed like human love – because God is love.