My Soul Journey Begins…
It all started when I was 15 years old. Well, it probably started long before that, but this is when I consciously checked into the story. I was raised in a traditional church, though it did not seem to have much to do with our family’s everyday life. It was just something we did on Sundays.
During my early years, I really did not give God or faith much thought. I went to church because my mother told me to. When I was 12, I went through the “Confirmation” classes and officially became a member of our church because that is what we did. None of it meant anything to me.
I began to experiment with drugs and alcohol as a young teenager without any conviction. I was not too openly rebellious. I did my church thing as required and then went out to party with my friends. Until one day, something (or should I say Someone) began to tug at my heart.
I met some young followers of Christ who were genuinely excited about their faith and it got my attention. I had always observed a sincere and deep felt faith in both of my maternal grandparents, but that seemed only for old people who did not need to have fun.
I had an impression of God as a harsh disciplinarian who frowned upon the idea of enjoying life; everything you like to do is bad and all the things you were supposed to do were boring. These young believers, however, seemed to be having lots of fun, so I began to reconsider my beliefs.
I struggled for some time between this desire for a deeper meaning to life and my idea that if I decided to follow God, He would immediately give me a list of do’s and don’ts; most of all, don’t have any fun.
Then one evening, after a service in which I felt a powerful loving Presence calling to my heart, I found myself walking up to that altar to answer it. I knelt at the altar of my grandparent’s church and was overwhelmed with the strongest sense of love that I had ever felt. This is what I prayed:
“Lord, I want to go all the way with You. I want everything You have for me.”
I have no idea why those words came out of my mouth. This was not an idea that I had ever heard from anyone else. All I know is that I meant it – with all my heart. And I believe that prayer forever changed my life. I meant it then, and, in spite of all that I have been through, I still have not changed my mind. Perhaps if I had known what it would cost me, I might have thought twice about it, but I am glad I did not.
Today, 40 years later, I am grateful that God took me seriously and I cannot regret the journey it has led me on. Yes, it has cost me much, but the blessings have been so much greater.
I cannot tell you that my life dramatically changed after that prayer. It still took me several years to stop running. After that, I spent many years trying to perfect myself. Yet ever so slowly, Grace began to sink in and transform me. I floundered through a long dark tunnel for years and then I began to learn the lessons that only deep suffering can teach.
For over 20 years, my life looked like any other typical middle class young woman trying to raise a family, keep a marriage together and be true to my faith. Then my life took a sudden sharp and devastating turn that no one saw coming, least of all me. I thought that trusting in God was difficult when my life was normal, but my life will never be normal again.
The challenges and heartaches I faced through this turn of events tested my faith to the breaking point but God endured. Looking back, I can see how God was preparing me for this extremely traumatic time in my life, teaching me lessons that I would desperately need.
You never know what you can survive until you have to survive it, but I know that I am literally alive today because I had discovered this Love that could carry me through even the most devastating storms.
If my story could convince you of just one thing, it would be this…You are worthy of love and YOU ARE LOVED. No strings attached.
With All My Heart,
