“Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.” – Psalm 34:5
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been told by the men in my life that something is wrong with me; I’m not ok. I’m not normal. I’m the problem. No matter what the problem is.
As I berated myself for all the ways I’ve failed my family, I wondered if maybe they are right. Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I am a monster. Maybe I am crazy. I’ve just made a big mess of my life. I felt so much pain in my heart as I thought about all of this and I couldn’t stop crying for a long time.
The sad thing is that I’ve always tried so hard to do the right thing and treat others the way I want to be treated. Yet, somehow I’ve completely failed. Maybe it’s understandable that my family wants nothing to do with me.
In this pressure cooker where I’m living, no matter how hard I try to love others, I always seem to have conflicts. There is a great deal of frustration and anger here and it brings out the worst in people.
All the strife returns me to an old wound – to the old questions. Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe once people get to know me, they will not (do not) like me. Maybe I really am not ok.
There’s a new voice growing stronger in my head, however, that says maybe it does not matter. Maybe it’s time to stop beating myself up. Maybe the only one I need to be ok with is the One who made me just the way I am. Maybe I don’t need to drive myself crazy with all this self doubt anymore. Then again, if I already am crazy, no worries, right?
“But by the grace of God I am what I am.” (1 Corinthians 15:10)